Title: Any Fae May Apply
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 90,000
I took stock of my injuries. I hadn't even been on the job a month and I had 14 bruises, a concussion, multiple cuts and abrasions, a broken arm, and now, a gunshot wound. Being a Tooth Fairy shouldn't be this hard.
It wasn't like I always wanted to be a Tooth Fairy. When you're a troll, jobs tend to fall into the three Bs. Bridges, bouncer, and bodyguard. Taking tolls at bridges is boring, and no one wants a girl as a bodyguard, which leaves bouncer, when I can get it. So I think Fate had a hand in my becoming a tooth fairy, though I didn't know it at the time…
…At the time, I thought it was a typical evening. The sun had set and it was safe for me to leave the library. I headed out for my nightly cuppa tea, when a shooting star raced across the sky. I crossed my fingers to make a wish. It was a kid thing and I was too old for that now. How many times had I wished for friends? But I'd already crossed my fingers, it was too late now. I wished for something interesting to happen.
I walked in and out of the pools of light from the streetlights, the soft jingle of the silver charms on my pockets accenting each step. Sometimes car headlights would pick me out of the darkness, but I wasn't concerned. My glamour was up and I could pass for human.
Details for the contest here. Go! Enter!
I don't read in this genre, so take my comments with a grain of salt, okay?
ReplyDeleteThe first time I read through, I really thought there was too much going on - being shot, a toothfairy, a troll, a girl, a bouncer, having magical powers - and then wishing for something interesting to happen!!?? Then, on a second read, I noticed that I had missed the change in time.
So, like I said, maybe it's just me! I think your writing is great - good luck!
erica
I definitely get what you're trying to do with this introduction. You want to give us voice and feel right from the beginning, and give us a grounding to the world. I get that.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think it's quite working here.
Here's the thing. It feels like writing. Does that make sense? It's telling, for one thing, but more basically, it takes us away from the immersion of the story. It distances us.
I'm more interested in the girl walking the street at night. That's enough without the artifice.
That said, I was impressed with the writing. The story has definite voice, and the narration is clean. Good job! Intros are hard. I've rewritten mine more times than I can count. If you want to stop by and leave a comment, I'd appreciate it!
http://skyledavis.blogspot.com/2011/05/blackbird-excerpt-for-shelly-watters.html
S. Kyle Davis: I'm having trouble posting for your page. When I click on the link from Shelley's blog, it takes me to the "Mega Site of Bible Studies" (it looks like you have a typo). When I click on the link you left, I can't get comments to open up.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have any trouble following the time change. I liked how you led me to the fact the MC was a girl, a troll, and how she became a tooth faerie.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm interested in finding out how this job is so dangerous to cause that many injuries.
This is a fun first page, and I'd read more to find out what happens next. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think the details are absolutely beautiful, the pools of light and the soft jingle of charms. And I feel for the main character that she wished for friends! What a sweetheart. But I think too many things are happening on this first page. She's a troll, who's a tooth fairy who can disguise herself as a human? I'd stick to one theme and give a little more explanation to the reader.
ReplyDeleteI think you write beautifully. But I got thrown off in the beginning. I thought she was a fairy, but then she turns out to be a troll? I really liked the first paragraph that being a tooth fairy wasn't as glamorous as one would think. But I am not sure if that is even what this story is about? Good Luck on the contest.
ReplyDeleteI am definitely intrigued by the concept, it seems unhique and interesting. I would keep reading. I like your descriptions. I do feel like there's a bit much going on in the first few paragraphs. But I would read on to find out more.
ReplyDeleteLoved the first paragraph, but I wasn't so enamored with the time shift and the amount of telling that followed. You have a good voice though, and the characters is interesting. I love the contrast of troll and fairy!
ReplyDeleteI'd read on a little to see what came up...
I think it's wonderful! You've summed up the entire premise of your novel in the beginning, and did it in such a way that it didn't sound 'telly' at all. (I wish they sold that ability.) I think people who read UF will love this.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I didn't have a problem with there being too much going on. I like that she's a troll tooth faery. But, I didn't like the time change. It threw me off a bit -- not enough to confuse me, but I was just getting used to all of her trolly/faery-ness when suddenly I'm transported back in time.
ReplyDeleteI love the concept, though, and I would turn the page.
Great work!
I do like this a lot - it seems original to me to have a troll be a tooth fairy, and a female one at that. I'm really intrigued by the set up. However, my advice is to please not introduce the flashback on the first page. It's far to jarring for me. I want to know more about the current situation. This doesn't open with an incident. All we get is a list of injuries, some reflection, then a flashback. There's no action to draw me in, although I do love the premise.
ReplyDeleteThat's my advice. Good luck!
I think it a good start. In 250 words you just about explained how a troll became a tooth fairy. It sounds promising and I'll bet there're some interesting stories behind all those cuts and bruises.
ReplyDelete"at the time" is repeated (at the end of one para, and again at the beginning of the next). Could you re-work it to avoid the repitition? I like that you're using a toothfairy as a MC!
ReplyDeleteI love your first paragraph. Who'd have thought being a tooth fairy could be so troublesome. :) I don't necessarily think you have too much information, but I felt like it jumped around. She's a tooth fairy, she's a troll, she's making a wish... I think it's all good, but maybe you could spread it out and elaborate a little more on one thing in the first 250.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Hi, Suzi! You have an interesting concept here, that's for sure! The writing is strong and I like the matter-of-fact voice.
ReplyDeleteI was really drawn in with the first two paragraphs. Why the heck is being a tooth fairy so dangerous? I want to read on, for sure.
Then the telling of the backstory. I think it's too soon; there's too much at once. Make me try to figure it out a little in my head for a while before telling me more. I think we need a few more pages about his (her?) life now. Where is he with this gunshot wound? Is he still in danger at that moment? If so, show us, get us totally invested in the story and then explain how he came to be a tooth fairy.
Thanks for sharing! Good luck!
Fun concept! There are a few punctuation things that need to be dealt with, but this has me intrigued -- I would read on.
ReplyDeleteConsider tweaking your first paragraph. I'm not in love with your opening sentence; you could drop it, and it wouldn't make a difference except to streamline and make your opening punchier.
Nice job.
I like the concept a lot. I would go through and make sure you capitalize Tooth Fairy throughout or don't because I think it is inconsistent. I think it should be not capitalized if in this world there are multiple tooth faeries. Also the elipses (spell check) between those two paragraphs are unnecessary I think. But I liked the voice and the idea. Great submission and good luck in the contest.
ReplyDeleteGreat submit! I really enjoyed reading this - and I'd definitely read on, for sure!
ReplyDeleteMy only crit would be the shift / time change. Just a little confusing at first, trying to assume if it was the same narrator from the first section, to the next. But after reading it through a couple of times, I can see what you're doing...just didn't get that right off the bat.
But otherwise, great scene building and use of imagery, especially your last paragraph.
Good luck in the contest!
I thoroughly enjoyed this and would want to read more. The shift between time wasn't as clear but once I re-read I understood quickly. Other than that LOVED IT!
ReplyDeleteSteph
http://planted-n-paged.blogspot.com/
I like the Voice here. I'm sympathetic for the main character, she's alone and wants friends. Anyone can relate to that. I can perfectly see her world, and I want to read more.
ReplyDeletei concur with some of the comments above. this is a cute start, but there is a lot going on. i'm curious to see how all these elements come together so you must have done a good job!
ReplyDeletedouglas esper
I love the concept and I love the voice. I didn't have the confusion that many of the other commenters had, but going back, here's my suggestion: cut the first paragraph and hold it back for later. Then consider starting your second para (which would now be your first) with "when you're a troll..."
ReplyDeleteI love how her personality shines. I love her walking through the pools of light.
My favorite line? "I wished for something interesting to happen." What a delightful shiver of anticipation for the reader because we know that "interesting" is going to be WAY more than she bargains for!
Love it!
I LOVE this first page - I want more! Great voice, interesting situation...
ReplyDeleteTwo small suggestions: lose the second ellipsis and 'cuppa' already means cup of tea (to me, anyway) so I'd have one or the other.
Good luck!
I love the concept and I love the voice. I didn't have the confusion that many of the other commenters had, but going back, here's my suggestion: cut the first paragraph and hold it back for later.
ReplyDeletecut the first paragraph and hold it back for later. Then consider starting your second para (which would now be your first) with "when you're a troll.
ReplyDelete