tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post8564654247135180977..comments2023-10-25T03:22:50.150-07:00Comments on Suzi McGowen: In Which I Enter The First Page ContestTouch of Inkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13551995840395409781noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-68948499853599611762012-10-02T05:29:49.145-07:002012-10-02T05:29:49.145-07:00cut the first paragraph and hold it back for later...cut the first paragraph and hold it back for later. Then consider starting your second para (which would now be your first) with "when you're a troll.how to get your website on google searchhttp://www.sideplanetwebsolutions.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-45267697236608150072012-07-14T04:58:00.737-07:002012-07-14T04:58:00.737-07:00I love the concept and I love the voice. I didn...I love the concept and I love the voice. I didn't have the confusion that many of the other commenters had, but going back, here's my suggestion: cut the first paragraph and hold it back for later.first pagehttp://www.getwebindex.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-77828884107615182822011-05-31T04:57:04.561-07:002011-05-31T04:57:04.561-07:00I LOVE this first page - I want more! Great voice,...I LOVE this first page - I want more! Great voice, interesting situation...<br /><br />Two small suggestions: lose the second ellipsis and 'cuppa' already means cup of tea (to me, anyway) so I'd have one or the other.<br /><br />Good luck!Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-44935178615032842102011-05-30T20:45:33.476-07:002011-05-30T20:45:33.476-07:00I love the concept and I love the voice. I didn&#...I love the concept and I love the voice. I didn't have the confusion that many of the other commenters had, but going back, here's my suggestion: cut the first paragraph and hold it back for later. Then consider starting your second para (which would now be your first) with "when you're a troll..." <br /><br />I love how her personality shines. I love her walking through the pools of light.<br /><br />My favorite line? "I wished for something interesting to happen." What a delightful shiver of anticipation for the reader because we know that "interesting" is going to be WAY more than she bargains for! <br /><br />Love it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-44991270281834337752011-05-30T20:15:19.825-07:002011-05-30T20:15:19.825-07:00i concur with some of the comments above. this is ...i concur with some of the comments above. this is a cute start, but there is a lot going on. i'm curious to see how all these elements come together so you must have done a good job!<br />douglas esperdouglas esperhttp://www.douglasesper.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-3651521861608322972011-05-30T17:07:18.402-07:002011-05-30T17:07:18.402-07:00I like the Voice here. I'm sympathetic for the...I like the Voice here. I'm sympathetic for the main character, she's alone and wants friends. Anyone can relate to that. I can perfectly see her world, and I want to read more.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-66122184619022209002011-05-30T10:30:58.192-07:002011-05-30T10:30:58.192-07:00I thoroughly enjoyed this and would want to read m...I thoroughly enjoyed this and would want to read more. The shift between time wasn't as clear but once I re-read I understood quickly. Other than that LOVED IT!<br /><br />Steph<br />http://planted-n-paged.blogspot.com/S.A. Husseyhttp://planted-n-paged.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-73669987050421151902011-05-29T12:44:30.409-07:002011-05-29T12:44:30.409-07:00Great submit! I really enjoyed reading this - and ...Great submit! I really enjoyed reading this - and I'd definitely read on, for sure!<br /><br />My only crit would be the shift / time change. Just a little confusing at first, trying to assume if it was the same narrator from the first section, to the next. But after reading it through a couple of times, I can see what you're doing...just didn't get that right off the bat.<br /><br />But otherwise, great scene building and use of imagery, especially your last paragraph. <br /><br />Good luck in the contest!Erin L. Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13724907482299321322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-33940154361114203412011-05-29T12:01:16.400-07:002011-05-29T12:01:16.400-07:00I like the concept a lot. I would go through and ...I like the concept a lot. I would go through and make sure you capitalize Tooth Fairy throughout or don't because I think it is inconsistent. I think it should be not capitalized if in this world there are multiple tooth faeries. Also the elipses (spell check) between those two paragraphs are unnecessary I think. But I liked the voice and the idea. Great submission and good luck in the contest.Mary Kate Leahyhttp://houseoflaoch.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-56642119309400825872011-05-29T10:04:49.650-07:002011-05-29T10:04:49.650-07:00Fun concept! There are a few punctuation things th...Fun concept! There are a few punctuation things that need to be dealt with, but this has me intrigued -- I would read on.<br /><br />Consider tweaking your first paragraph. I'm not in love with your opening sentence; you could drop it, and it wouldn't make a difference except to streamline and make your opening punchier.<br /><br />Nice job.Nicolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00724781806293522225noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-88046615175088263092011-05-29T08:33:33.488-07:002011-05-29T08:33:33.488-07:00Hi, Suzi! You have an interesting concept here, th...Hi, Suzi! You have an interesting concept here, that's for sure! The writing is strong and I like the matter-of-fact voice.<br /><br />I was really drawn in with the first two paragraphs. Why the heck is being a tooth fairy so dangerous? I want to read on, for sure.<br /><br />Then the telling of the backstory. I think it's too soon; there's too much at once. Make me try to figure it out a little in my head for a while before telling me more. I think we need a few more pages about his (her?) life now. Where is he with this gunshot wound? Is he still in danger at that moment? If so, show us, get us totally invested in the story and then explain how he came to be a tooth fairy. <br /><br />Thanks for sharing! Good luck!Jody Lambhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09235025872805426830noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-75215772502362608122011-05-29T06:42:37.451-07:002011-05-29T06:42:37.451-07:00I love your first paragraph. Who'd have though...I love your first paragraph. Who'd have thought being a tooth fairy could be so troublesome. :) I don't necessarily think you have too much information, but I felt like it jumped around. She's a tooth fairy, she's a troll, she's making a wish... I think it's all good, but maybe you could spread it out and elaborate a little more on one thing in the first 250. <br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17876772923733290496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-40800252981966267482011-05-29T06:07:09.797-07:002011-05-29T06:07:09.797-07:00"at the time" is repeated (at the end of..."at the time" is repeated (at the end of one para, and again at the beginning of the next). Could you re-work it to avoid the repitition? I like that you're using a toothfairy as a MC!Kaleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03104611823742775404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-81799299427053787122011-05-29T04:31:49.960-07:002011-05-29T04:31:49.960-07:00I think it a good start. In 250 words you just abo...I think it a good start. In 250 words you just about explained how a troll became a tooth fairy. It sounds promising and I'll bet there're some interesting stories behind all those cuts and bruises.http://www.samposey.com/https://www.blogger.com/profile/16689027309415722271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-20142748863044742782011-05-29T03:26:49.420-07:002011-05-29T03:26:49.420-07:00I do like this a lot - it seems original to me to ...I do like this a lot - it seems original to me to have a troll be a tooth fairy, and a female one at that. I'm really intrigued by the set up. However, my advice is to please not introduce the flashback on the first page. It's far to jarring for me. I want to know more about the current situation. This doesn't open with an incident. All we get is a list of injuries, some reflection, then a flashback. There's no action to draw me in, although I do love the premise.<br />That's my advice. Good luck!Lissahttp://www.lissawrites.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-23882027054403436082011-05-29T02:29:03.774-07:002011-05-29T02:29:03.774-07:00I didn't have a problem with there being too m...I didn't have a problem with there being too much going on. I like that she's a troll tooth faery. But, I didn't like the time change. It threw me off a bit -- not enough to confuse me, but I was just getting used to all of her trolly/faery-ness when suddenly I'm transported back in time. <br />I love the concept, though, and I would turn the page.<br />Great work!Elizabeth Hollowayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14137733615625501785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-68988830448359567292011-05-28T22:19:22.757-07:002011-05-28T22:19:22.757-07:00I think it's wonderful! You've summed up t...I think it's wonderful! You've summed up the entire premise of your novel in the beginning, and did it in such a way that it didn't sound 'telly' at all. (I wish they sold that ability.) I think people who read UF will love this. <br />Good luck!Melora Bellhttp://www.bellshadow.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-26096854150187987942011-05-28T17:46:10.648-07:002011-05-28T17:46:10.648-07:00Loved the first paragraph, but I wasn't so ena...Loved the first paragraph, but I wasn't so enamored with the time shift and the amount of telling that followed. You have a good voice though, and the characters is interesting. I love the contrast of troll and fairy!<br /><br />I'd read on a little to see what came up...Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-82280303548802060682011-05-28T16:11:13.674-07:002011-05-28T16:11:13.674-07:00I am definitely intrigued by the concept, it seems...I am definitely intrigued by the concept, it seems unhique and interesting. I would keep reading. I like your descriptions. I do feel like there's a bit much going on in the first few paragraphs. But I would read on to find out more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-5309930315667074752011-05-28T16:07:54.776-07:002011-05-28T16:07:54.776-07:00I think you write beautifully. But I got thrown of...I think you write beautifully. But I got thrown off in the beginning. I thought she was a fairy, but then she turns out to be a troll? I really liked the first paragraph that being a tooth fairy wasn't as glamorous as one would think. But I am not sure if that is even what this story is about? Good Luck on the contest.Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15266768293318241499noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-56237824965971106062011-05-28T12:51:29.525-07:002011-05-28T12:51:29.525-07:00I think the details are absolutely beautiful, the ...I think the details are absolutely beautiful, the pools of light and the soft jingle of charms. And I feel for the main character that she wished for friends! What a sweetheart. But I think too many things are happening on this first page. She's a troll, who's a tooth fairy who can disguise herself as a human? I'd stick to one theme and give a little more explanation to the reader.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-70453515187728058652011-05-28T12:47:08.610-07:002011-05-28T12:47:08.610-07:00This is a fun first page, and I'd read more to...This is a fun first page, and I'd read more to find out what happens next. Good luck!Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-66524193195746400862011-05-28T11:34:00.263-07:002011-05-28T11:34:00.263-07:00I didn't have any trouble following the time c...I didn't have any trouble following the time change. I liked how you led me to the fact the MC was a girl, a troll, and how she became a tooth faerie. <br /><br />Now I'm interested in finding out how this job is so dangerous to cause that many injuries.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-75185676270380210952011-05-28T10:06:50.504-07:002011-05-28T10:06:50.504-07:00S. Kyle Davis: I'm having trouble posting for ...S. Kyle Davis: I'm having trouble posting for your page. When I click on the link from Shelley's blog, it takes me to the "Mega Site of Bible Studies" (it looks like you have a typo). When I click on the link you left, I can't get comments to open up.Touch of Inkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13551995840395409781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1841255975818338566.post-30289666669173892322011-05-28T09:48:25.730-07:002011-05-28T09:48:25.730-07:00I definitely get what you're trying to do with...I definitely get what you're trying to do with this introduction. You want to give us voice and feel right from the beginning, and give us a grounding to the world. I get that.<br /><br />But I don't think it's quite working here.<br /><br />Here's the thing. It feels like writing. Does that make sense? It's telling, for one thing, but more basically, it takes us away from the immersion of the story. It distances us.<br /><br />I'm more interested in the girl walking the street at night. That's enough without the artifice.<br /><br />That said, I was impressed with the writing. The story has definite voice, and the narration is clean. Good job! Intros are hard. I've rewritten mine more times than I can count. If you want to stop by and leave a comment, I'd appreciate it!<br /><br /><a href="http://skyledavis.blogspot.com/2011/05/blackbird-excerpt-for-shelly-watters.html" rel="nofollow">http://skyledavis.blogspot.com/2011/05/blackbird-excerpt-for-shelly-watters.html</a>Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551007849945853798noreply@blogger.com