Yesterday, on Twitter (I know, I've been doing Twitter less than a week, and I've already blogged about it twice!) @elizabethscraig over at Mystery Writing is Murder tweeted a link to TribalWriter's post about blogging. It's called "where to find your interestingness as a writer + blogger + ruler of your domain" and it really spoke to me.
Theoretically, it's about how to become a better blogger, but for me, it hit right to the core of problem I've been dealing with for years. She talks about how edges are more interesting, but as children we're taught to seek the middle. "So you smooth out your own edges, or maybe cut them off."
Right or wrong, I cut off a lot of my own edges over the years. (I would maintain that since I survived, what I did wasn't wrong, but it felt and feels wrong.) I've bemoaned the fact that I am not a starfish, and I can't regrow those parts. But I envy people that do have those parts. Envy in the way that means "I want that, too".
And, because I am not a starfish, I am always trying to find ways to regrow those parts. To be the edgier version of me that I lost over the years, in school yards, living rooms and bed rooms.
So, I will need to re-read that post several times, until I can integrate it in my brain. And I need to remind myself to live closer to my edges. Every day.
But for everything, there is a cost. When I become edgier, I will lose the approval of (some, most, all?) people that follow this blog. I may never get published. I may be the only person that ever reads (and likes) the stories I want to share.
Am I willing to sacrifice that, in order to heal? Is there a possibility that I can become that person and still have everything I want.
Oh my gods, I'm Troll Wife.